depression

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Dealing With Depression
my story, by Beverly (Johnson) Qualheim
(Updated Nov 2008)

I know this article will come a shock to many people who think they know me pretty well. Who see me as the one who reaches out, who smiles and laughs a lot, makes people laugh, who keeps on enduring no matter what; and while that is a huge part of me, there is a side most people don't know about me. Part of me that I keep hidden as best I can. Let me try to tell you my own story of dealing with depression and making life work and hopefully my words will touch the heart of someone and be of some help.
First of all, I still have no solid idea as to why I suffer from depression. I have had people say it is all I have been through in life, but others go through worse and do fine. Doctors have said it is hormonal, could be, there are times when I feel like someone else is residing in my brain and I don't feel 'in control'. I have been able to use homeopathics medicines that match my particular symptoms, and other learned coping techniques, which sometimes help, sometimes not.

MY CHILDHOOD

I need to go back to when I was a child and maybe give you a glimpse into who I am inside to know why I might even have depression.

I was a quiet, pensive child, who loved to sit in the attic alone, and sing while I watched the stars at night. I wrote poetry, reaching into my innermost quiet depths, drew pictures of mountains and wrote songs of nature where I longed to be. I was in my element outside alone or with my younger sister, taking walks through the woods or laying on the grass watching the clouds blow past our home in England.. I dreamed of being a teacher, a mommy and an author of children's books. I had an imagination that wouldn't quit, and still do!

I was blessed with many good friends at school and I was always the one who reached out to the hurting and took them by the hand and tried to heal their wounds, I loved to make people laugh, but inside me there was a hurting person who sensed that no one really knew the pain I felt. My mom used to say I was 'deep', and 'sober'.

We did a lot of fun things as a family when I was growing up. Since we lived in Europe we traveled, and saw many wonderful places; we had 'movie night' quite often and would pop popcorn and watch old home movies, our mom gave us lots of hugs and affection, and she sang with us and taught us wonderful fun songs she had learned from my grandma. Songs like 'Oh little playmate', 'Land of the Silver Birch', 'Frere' Jaques', "Well, I walked into Woodstock and walked around the block' (no clue what the name of that one is!) There were awesome, happy moments...

But... my parents episodes of anger at one another, at much of people and life events, tore to my inmost heart. They felt the arguing and extreme anger was a healthy expression of anger, all I felt was a desire to isolate. My father was not an affectionate person and was very prone to volatile outbursts, especially when he had had 'a few too many'. I have never been a person who invites conflict and I have found as an adult that people think they can wipe their feet all over me- perhaps as a result? A psychiatrist I am not...

School was a challenge at times. I was to find out years later in College courses, that I have 2 forms of dyslexia - one is numeric and one is with symbols and letters. misplacing whole sentences, reading things over and over and nothing makes sense. Sometimes it is like I am reading another language even though I know it's English on that page. It was like a light went on explaining why I felt so stupid as I struggled to teach myself to read and to sort out the jumble of 'nonsense' that others breezed through. There were no special education or reading classes in those all Girl British Schools we attended in the 1960's. You learned or you fell behind. At 9 years old, I would wake myself up at 5 am trying to do maths problems that made no sense at all. I read material, over and over, highlighting and trying to memorize passages so I would be able to pass tests and do well. My dad, who is brilliant by the way, would call me stupid and he felt I needed to just 'try harder'. I know now that he was trying to help, not knowing the struggle I was already trying to surmount; and for so long, I believed I was stupid. Our family moved to the US in 1973 and I was a very vulnerable teenager. I had zits, glasses (which I found out later I did not need!) and a British accent and no one ever asked me out on a date. I felt like an outcast. It was so hard to fit in to this new environment.

My husband has been a God-send to me. He has always seen me as the bright individual that I am, and loves me unconditionally. We have been through so many trials during our marriage and I will spare you the details, but one thing that has affected me has been all the moves we have made. I am just not an outgoing person who seeks out new friends with great gusto. My friends tend to 'find me' I guess, and friendships and trust build slowly, so there have been long stretches of severe loneliness with a husband who works 6-7 days a week feeling he has to do this to provide for his wife and children. Even though it has been 28 years of him working so hard to provide for us, the 'loneliness' still is there, and I feel a need to constantly find ways to renew our love for one another.

He is an incredible man -- honest, hardworking, great sense of humor, good father to our children, and someone who does his best at everything. Still, there are times when I just need him to reach out more to the 'other' Bev. The one who does more than wash laundry, clean the kitchen, knit for charity, take out cat litter, and work on the internet. I need him to reach to the Bev who loves to sing, play guitar, write, who wants to be outdoors, camping, feeding 'my' birds, writing poetry, who believes in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, loves the Savior with all her heart and tries hard to live every aspect of my beliefs - very, very alone. My husband was not baptised when I was way back in 1980 and in fact, as nothing to do with any church now. He 'is' Catholic by name. It's a unique struggle I guess. Having a husband I love dearly who does not share my faith, beliefs, and Mormon-lifestyle is challenging. Each of us has our own cross to deal with and make into a victory. Mine is one that only my Heavenly Father and my Savior and I can handle, and that brings me to how I have learned to deal with my own depression.

DEALING WITH LIFE
In 1998 I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Then in the Spring of 1999, my husband was very ill from several stress related problems. We had been living in Manitowoc, Wisconsin for over 3 years, the little grocery store (my husband's dream) that we had sunk everything into, was falling apart. Our life savings, everything we had worked for in the past 19 years was going to be washed down the drain. I had no close friends there, and my life centered around my internet friends, whom I work with and have met and love, but they were not close geographically, and my worry over my husband and the failing grocery store. There was no one to hug me or hold me and tell me things were alright. We always have lived near Mike's family, never mine. That was wearing thin on me. My mom died in 1983 by the way, of breast cancer...

I was trying to deal with Mike "never" being home, and when he was, he was stressed and angry or asleep. Stress overtook his life and he internalized it, it also overtook mine and since I am a bit more 'vocal', I didn't internalize it, but often took it out on those I adore. His dream was quickly being destroyed and his worries were more than I can imagine. I didn't really care, as I was selfishly absorbed in my own pain, my own thoughts of how he managed to get his dream, waste all our money and now I was feeling pain from it.

I was nagging to the kids about the house mess, and I could not keep up with it, even if I had felt like it. I could barely drag myself out of bed, just to face another day of loneliness and mess and no one to talk to from morning till night, let alone clean and sing and be the person I was. I hated who I had become. When one of my sons told me in anger that he was sick of my griping all the time, I convinced myself that my family no longer needed me and they really needed a mother who was better than me, and that the world would be a lot better if I were not in it. I convinced myself I was teaching my children to be awful people because of my example.

One particularly dark day, when Mike called from the road somewhere, I was crying so hard he could not understand me. He did understand that I was very ill and needed help immediately before he didn't have a wife or mother for his children.

He set up some appointments for me to see an LDS Counselor and I cannot tell you how this one step, renewed my life. Someone finally would listen to me, in fact wanted me to tell him all about what I had been through for the past 40 years. At one point, he had tears in his eyes as he spoke to me and told me what a strong person I was. I had not felt strong through all my trials (I am leaving out many of them here!). I had felt I just 'got through' --no big deal.

This counselor managed to give me some wonderful techniques that helped me incredibly to pull myself back up that cliff I was falling over. I hope these will help someone who reads this...

1) I needed time alone everyday. Every single day-- no matter what, I had to take 15-20 minutes alone. Whether the older kids had to help out, or Mike actually had to help with this, I HAD to have that time to regroup and do something I enjoyed.

2) Read my scriptures every day. To chose about 5 verses I really liked and commit them to memory. First I had to write them on cards and then read them over and over till I had them memorized. When I felt an episode of not being able to cope, I had to recite one to myself and think about it.

3) Say NO to people! One of my problems is not being able to say NO to people. Honestly, the few times that I have, have blown up into my face with full force. I lose friends, I have bad things said about me that come back to me. And this counselor made me view it as a 'SO WHAT??!" situation. Who cares, say no anyhow if you can't OR don't want to do it. That was very important. Even if I just don't want to do something, then I gave myself permission to say NO!

4) I needed to call up someone -maybe from Church- and just go do something with them perhaps once a week. I was to get off the internet, shut off the virtual friends, and make some real ones again. It was really hard doing this one knowing I was soon going to be moving again and would lose more friends, but I made an effort and we had some wonderful times together.

5) Ask for help when I need it.

6) Get more sleep. Boy, people have been telling me that for years, and I have always laughed at them. How does a mother of 5 get ANY sleep, especially when her husband is not rarely around to help out? I still don't know the answer to that, but taking the counselor's suggestion to go to bed 1/2 hour earlier and use ear plugs has helped tremendously. He also suggested taking naps - 20 minute power naps and they sure help my outlook.

7) PRAY! Not just my normal prayer in my head a few times a day, but to actually get down, humbly, on my knees and speak with my Father in Heaven. Pour out my heart to him, ask Him for ways to look at things, new ways to cope, new strengths I didn't know I had.

8) Focus on my strengths and not on what I was not accomplishing. I am afraid I tend to work like crazy, get tons done,and instead of patting myself on the back for doing 12 things that day, I would stew and beat myself up over the 4 things I didn't do. Or maybe I would take one day to be lazy, then I couldn't sleep at night because of all "I should have done" -I had to learn to realize that it's ok to take time off once in a while. This is still extremely hard for me to do.

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Bev-isms:
9) I am going to add another here, because I find it is vital to lifting out of depression and darkness. Verbalize thanks for everything you can think of. Write them down for future reference. Get on your knees, even if you don't feel like it, and thank your Heavenly Father for life, for a roof, for family, for not having a headache, for warm clothes, for sunshine-- for whatever you can think of. AND make an effort to thank the people around you. If someone holds a door open for you, thank them; if your child hugs you, thank them and hug them back; well, you get the picture. BE GRATEFUL.

10) President Gordon B. Hinckley gave some perfect advice for all of us:

1. Be grateful.

2. Be smart.

3. Be clean.

4. Be true.

5. Be humble.

6. Be prayerful.

As things drew to a close with the store, I spent my awake hours frantically searching online for a job for my husband. He was tied up in too many things to help with that very much, and we knew we would be looking for a place to live and some way to feed 7 of us, including one in college. I did a lot of crying when I wasn't too depressed to find the tears. I used the new coping techniques I had learned and I gleaned so much strength from faith in the Savior and in how he could help bear the burden. It was not immediate though, it took time. I had some money saved for a trip I had planned with friends, that now I could not attend, so I gave it to Mike to fly out west to interview. I was left alone to do all the packing which was a monumental task in itself, but I managed. A couple of friends from where we used to live, came and helped me pack and paint and what a joy that was. They will never know how much that love had an impact on me.

We are still not through all the problems from that year, but we are moved and settled out west. I have learned to reach out to others more and to take much better care of myself. I finally realize that my needs are important and I don't have to 'mother' everyone. If I need to say no I sometimes do that now instead of feeling like SuperWoman and that I can handle more and more and more until I break.

I know that I have needed to go through this depression. I don't know all the reasons why at this point, although it has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and increased my faith that He cares, and perhaps that is all that was needed. I have needed to be humbly down on my knees more often, pleading for help and guidance and asking to be able to think positive thoughts. I am finally able to see the green pastures and mountain tops of my life ahead. The battle is not over, and I still have down moments, even entire 'down days', but I am able to pull myself back out of it, with the help of God and good friends.

More updates:
October 2000 was admitted to the ER with facial numbness, and since have been seeing a neurologist to search for the cause of my neurological problems. I was placed on 75 mg of Effexor once a day for my migraines. This medicine has also been used successfully to treat clinical depression, and less than a week into treatment, my migraines were gone and I felt so much more in control of my moods. As the months have gone on, I can see more and more, that I needed to be on medicine for this a long time ago but I refused any suggestion of it, thinking I could just be a better person on my own, that I could control it. I was wrong and am so thankful to be on this medicine that not only keeps my migraines at bay, but also helps me to see into the brightness of day for the first time in so many decades.

Update Nov 21, 2002
I spent 2 years undergoing MRI's, spinal taps, blood tests galore... only to have 2 diagnosis that are fairly useless: 'Probable MS' and 'Benign symptomatic MS'... and who the heck knows?! I now use a cane once a month or so, for left side weakness.

I have been 'treated for Depression' which often goes along with MS, but none of the conventional meds I was put on, worked for more than a few months. I took myself totally off all meds and am now taking walks 3 times a week, doing yoga (starting), and taking Omega 3 capsules- 5,000 mg a day. It's milder but nothing seems to really work. I feel a lot of sadness and darkness and the inability to cope with minor stresses like a messy house or set backs with my AVON business. The only time I feel relief from the inner-tearings now, is when I am singing. I am going back to the internist to see about finding yet another drug to help. I will let you know...

UPDATE September 28, 2003 NO PROCESSED SUGARS
Well, in January this year I began to see Dr. Pontius who is a naturopathic doctor for my MS. I am on a variety of nutritional supplements and they have helped me SO much I cannot tell you! I am not using my cane and haven't for a long time... it's fantastic! As for depression, about a month ago I had an appointment with Dr. Pontius and he suggested I go totally off my anti-depressant (Lexapro--which is about the 3rd one I have been on.) They worked fine, but I am sick of being on meds. So... in addition to going off the anti-depressant, he suggested I try going totally off all processed SUGARS, (white sugar, powdered sugar, corn syrup, brown sugar etc) and of course, NO artificial sweeteners. So, I gave it a shot! I quit my anti-depressants, and expected to have repercussions from that, but I didn't. I went off sugars.. WHAT a difference!!!!! I am amazed. It's been a month and I feel so much better. I have lost 4 lbs so far, and have about 40 to go and I am going to do it!! I have the energy to go walking every single day too.

UPDATE December 3, 2003
I am still off processed sugars and it is going great! I am out walking every day and have lost 13 lbs so far. I can tell when I do get sugars in things I eat-- it gives me terrible headaches several hours later, and it makes me so snappy! I can't abide any upsetting thing. Everything is more 'extreme' I guess is a better way to put it. I continue to take my nutritional supplements also. Min-Tran seems to help calm me in addition to several others for my MS.

UPDATE August 18, 2005
I am still off processed sugars and notice more and more how this is a 'cure' for me. Others -perhaps not, but I can tell so easily now when I get some corn syrup or white sugar in a meal in a restaurant, or in something unexpected. It's amazing and eye opening and such an easy solution for maybe many others in the world. And I was diagnosed with 'clinical depression'!

Another thing I have noticed that when I do have a 'down' day, perhaps as opposed to a clinically depressed day, I know that when I physically force myself out of the 'darkened cloudy room' I find myself in, and I reach out to someone else, the cloud disperses and I feel light inside again. When I give in to the negative thoughts and I feed them and dwell on them, they snowball and grow. I know I need to get on my knees and pray to Heavenly Father to replace that dark spirit with light once again. He really will do this. You can feel it happening, you can feel the burden being lifted as if two are carrying it and then just one- Christ.

UPDATE October 23, 2006
I have slipped lately with the sugar and I notice how quickly I get snappy, angry, depressed, when I do cheat; and corn syrup is still the killer with me! Talk about drastic behavioral changes, and migraines! I have to stop that, cause when I avoid those sugars like the plague, I am upbeat, in control and really happy living life.

We are going through more bumps in the road of life, and Mike is now lives and works in another city since he was transfered there. Hoping that is temporary. I am here alone with just 3 kids this time so it is easier to cope than with 5 like last time. I also have friends here to turn to.who are always there if I need them. I am not really close to any particular one but they are all just a phone call away. What a blessing.

My thoughts are still to all who may suffer from depression, give up all processed sugars and see if that does make a difference. I know it won't for everyone, but if you are sensitive to it, it is night and day difference. Get out in the fresh air and walk! Seriously, WALK and WALK, and listen to calming music as you do, it helps tremendously.

Update Sept 2007
For the past month or so I have been in a 'funk' I guess you could call it. I have let my humanitarian crafting take over most of my waking hours, not healthy. It's good to help others but not at the expense of ever helping yourself. I have made the difficult decision to give up heading Crafting Angels. It has been part of my life for 6 years, but it has really permiated every waking minute. I need to move on, to develop new interests. I am kind of set in my ways and have not set new life goals since back in college 30 years ago.

I almost convinced myself I don't have any marketable skills in this life, and my disabilities have started to rule me. Time to get back my life, not allow the small disappointments to take over my thinking, and my joy and zest for life... So I prayed to my Heavenly Father and asked Him to please guide me to know what I need to be doing, to fill me with hope again, and it didn't take long at all. Hope has returned. Lost 38 lbs using the 'Rice Diet Solution' book! I am at 140 lbs now and so much healthier.

Update November 2008
My weight is still down where it should be at 138 lbs and that helps me healthwise. I am working now as the Logandale NV Seminary Support Specialist. It's part time which is perfect for me, and I love it! I also work helping Mike with his Farmers Insurance Business... he 'lost' his job by the way back 2 years ago now, and is now selling insurance. Last week he was in a wreck on his moped and ended up in the trauma unit at UMC in Vegas. He broke 2 bones in his neck, had bleeding on his brain, and is basically a bit banged up but miraculously healing so fast now!! I am learning how to care for someone with a broken neck.

"Because of Christ there is hope smiling brightly before you, and you need not worry too much about sickness, death, poverty, or other afflictions. The Lord will take care of you. Your responsibility is to keep the commandments, feast upon the words of Christ, and stay in the path to your heavenly home." Julie B. Beck, "There Is Hope Smiling Brightly before Us", Ensign, May 2003, 103"

:-) Bev